Love me for me

“I love that you get cold when it’s 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
—Harry (Billy Crystal) to Sally (Meg Ryan)

What an amazing love story, I feel like I could relate to this movie so well. This is so me, and I wish someone would say this to me someday. Someday...

Only once, forever and always...

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."

— Bob Marley

I want you gone.

I will drown our memories, let them sink to the deepest darkest corners of my heart. Never to be discovered again.

It's the small things..

Music IS life

Swimming

Boating

Coffee and a good book

Good movies

Concerts 

Long Conversations

Adventures

Ghost Stories

Skiing/Snowboarding

Friends

Family

Fashion and Shopping

Sweets

Cuddling

Camping

Hiking

Singing

Lilies

July 4th

All the little things, make me who I am.

This is who I am.

LOVE

Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy; you expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. You expect him to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect him to calm you down when you’re yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn’t exactly match up with all your plans. But that’s the thing.

Love isn’t a plan. It doesn’t have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it. Love happens; and it is so incredibly messy. People around you can’t comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can’t see. They can’t see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you’re in love. It’s inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can’t live without it. We can’t breathe the same way or function quite right without it.

See, that’s the thing about love. You hold it up to all these images you’ve learned to attach to the word ‘love’ since you were little. We learn so many things about love before we are even capable of falling. Don’t rush in; keep steady. Prince charming will fix everything. What you don’t learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn’t worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it. Don’t rush in? I practically dove with my eyes closed; fully aware that I had drowned before.

“Love is a Battlefield” never really made sense because it is contrary to everything we have been taught to believe how ‘love’ is supposed to be, but it is so entirely different. Love isn’t him calming you down when you yell. It’s him yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn’t him bringing you roses everyday or pretty things that make your relationship appear more presentable. It’s after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet him showing up at your door the next morning anyway. It’s not him saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. We are human beings. We don’t handle one another, and we can’t be handled. We are mutable creatures that need something different everyday. Need something more or less to keep us going, to keep us believing that it’s not all for nothing. So no, it’s not him caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be all right. It’s him standing there, admitting he’s just as scared as you are.

You have to remember that with love, you’re not the only one involved. You’ve unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here. Do what you will. Mash it into mince meat, or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it. That’s the thing about love. It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn’t cross. Because love isn’t about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It’s about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it’s a hell of a lot better than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling ‘happy’ and feeling whole.

I am Me

No one is more worthy of your love than you are yourself.

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am okay.”

I'm already exhausted...and I want out.

“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty-one and I am already exhausted.”
- Elizabeth Wurtzel

Nonchalance

Le Love - Nonchalance

Don’t text too much because it comes across as desperate. Never send two texts in a row for the same reason. No facebook chat every time he logs on, ‘cause that’s desperate too, as is ‘Liking’ everything he posts, so don’t do that either. Remember not to ask when we’re seeing each other next because nonchalance is key, right? Don’t sound too eager when he suggests doing something in the future, remember, nonchalance. When you’re out with other people, don’t demand his attention, he’s not there just for you, and don’t make an issue of him making friends with new girls, that’s asking for trouble, you don’t want to look jealous and insecure. When he wants to go to sleep before you do, don’t latch onto him because you’ll seem weak, needy, intense.

All these crazy rules I’ve made up in my head so you don’t see past this facade. I’m not nonchalant, I over-think everything. I can be intense, and I’m definitely jealous at times. But in essence, at the crux of all this over-analyzing; I am insanely in love with you. I just wish you knew how far away I am from nonchalance.

Warming the Heart

Autumn.

I love all of the little things that fall brings.

Quiet dinners by the fire,

bonfires, candles flickering, pumpkins,

smelling cinnamon and oranges,

glow of lamps through windows,

wind blowing through leaves,

cozy socks,

freshly baked pies,

long walks with the sun shining

and cool breeze playing against my face,

hot chocolate,

curling up with a good book,

a glorious harvest moon,

hoodies, jeans and boots,

a glass of spiced wine,

taking lots of fall related photos,

the bright colors of fall foliage,

Halloween costumes,

gathering with family and friends

and especially..lots and lots of cuddling.

Oh I can't wait. ♥

I want this, I want it all....more than anything.

I love being held. I love when I am in someones arms, and I know that they would do anything for me. yea, I know its selfish but that is what I love. I love waking up to someone and smiling and having them smile back. When you are cold, and you are sharing a blanket and you have their sweatshirt on. your hair is all a mess and your breath smells and you nuzzle up to their neck and they nuzzle you back and wrap their arms around you. and you smile. And fall right back asleep.

I love walking into a room and he smiles back at you, you work your way over, making googiley eyes just for fun until you reach him, and then he wraps you in a big hug and you say hi and act like you haven’t seen each other in ages. That is a great feeling.

Feeling the rush of his lips trail down your body, covering every spot of skin. Giving in to him, giving him what you both want. Feeling like one. Knowing your love will not fade. Knowing giving him that will make him keep you forever, just as you want.

The happy moments, the secret smiles. Going out with his family and saying something they don’t get, but he gives me that look that tells me he got it and he found it funny. Him telling me how beautiful I am in front of his family. Them looking at us and seeing how much we adore each other. The feeling of pride when his mom tells me she is happy her son has found someone so worth his love.

The tears after a big fight. And then him rushing over to dry them with kisses, not being able to sleep until he knows I am better.

The silent way people drift apart, the way the secret smiles fade. The fights end in crying with no one to hold you. the way your world seems to collapse, but you know this isn’t the way its supposed to be.

YELLING AT HIM TO FIX IT. even though you know you did more damage than he did.

After the break up, the feeling of betray as you look at another guy. Knowing you shouldn’t be looking, you don’t belong to them. knowing he still doesn’t look at anyone but you.

When you hang out, the way his eyes watch yours,the way they say sorry, the way you know he wants to kiss you and make all the pain go away. Trying your hardest not to cry because he refuses to become a couple together.

Being completely in love with him. and him with you.

Being best friends.

Him thinking he is not good enough, so he wants you to find someone that is.

You refusing to find someone else because you want him.

The complications. The tears. The heartache.

The feeling of love through it all.

Eternal Sunshine

For some reason, it seems that everything is simply going wrong these days. I stay positive and say, "Everything happens for a reason. Everything will be okay and it will all work out." But will everything work out, will everything be okay? My car engine blew up yesterday because I neglected putting oil in my car, my mistake. I apparently am screwing up my life according to my parents, and they can't take it anymore and don't want to deal with all my problems, therefore I need to move elsewhere. I have no money to fix my car, nor to rent an apartment. I have to drop my classes so I can get a second job. The bad luck goes on and on...Can I keep saying everything happens for a reason and everything will work out? I certainly hope so. I am trying to look on the brighter side and stay positive throughout all of these hardships, but it's starting to get more and more difficult. I have a full time job, I am going to school, I am modeling for some extra cash as well. I try to go to the gym daily and I am eating healthier to look and feel better. Yes, I did choose a different path from my mormon parents in socially drinking and going out to the clubs/bars with my friends. Is that why everything is going wrong? Because I chose to not take the mormon way? Or is it all karma biting me in the ass for things i'm not sure why? I suppose I will never know. I need to keep going on and I need to make it. A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and acheives the impossible. For I am an optimist, it doesn't seem to be much use being anything else.

Misguided Ghosts

I am going away for a while

But I'll be back don't try and follow me
'Cause I'll return as soon as possible

See I'm trying to find my place

And it might not be here where I feel safe

We all learn to make mistakes

And run from them, from them

With no direction

We'll run from them, from them

With no conviction

'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts

Traveling endlessly

Don't need no roads

In fact they follow me

And we just go in circles

Now I'm told that this is life

And pain is just a simple compromise

So we can get what we want out of it

Would someone care to classify

Our broken hearts and twisted minds

So I can find someone to rely on

And run to them, to them

Full speed ahead

Oh you are not useless

We are just..

Misguided ghosts

Traveling endlessly

The ones we trusted the most

Pushed us far away

And there's no one road

We should not be the same

But I'm just a ghost

And still they echo me

They echo me in circles

How I LOOOVE Paramore.

I'm just trying to find myself.

Something to Live by...

MARILYN MONROE

Marilyn Monroe (Norma Jean) is definitely one of the woman I idolize most. She was such a beautiful, talented, and smart woman. I also love to live by her quotes. I want to share some of her quotes that I absolutely love and one of them I intend to get tattooed on my side, which i've really wanted for years.

Tattoo going on my side

           

The Good Die Young

Jonathan Charles Kraemer

Our dear Jonny decided to take his life yesterday evening and all I can say is I will miss his cute face sooo much. He will forever live in my heart until the day that I die and I also hope to see him again when that time comes. People pass away but they never die in our hearts. All of the great memories we had together are running through my mind as I realize we will never be able to share anymore. My heart goes out to all his family and friends, I hope that they will be okay in time.

"I am the type of person that was meant to care for people, it gives me drive to become so much better than i am. I love helping people with there trials in life, why? Im not completely sure. maybe its cause im not very good at helping myself, maybe its cause im just a passionate person about life, i dont really know.. i just feel that life is too short to care about fancy cars and money. It's not what you do, its how you do it. so i guess to tell you something about me, im a lover, I've lived so many sides of life and i can tell you that i have always been the happiest when i had love for what i was doing." - Jonny Kraemer

Today we are having a candle light vigil at Rohmer Park, and Jonny... I hope you are looking down and realizing how many people love you and are going to miss you so much. Rest in Peace dear Jonny, you are amazing and you are so loved. I miss you already...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxAAspHOfF4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2xE3nr2mAQ

I miss you
Miss you so bad

I don't forget you

Oh it's so sad.

I hope you can hear me

I remember it clearly.

The day you slipped away.....

Was the day i found it won't be the same

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand

I wish that I could see you again

I know that I can't

I hope you can hear me

Cause I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away...

Was the day i found

It, won't be the same

I've had my wake up

Won't you wake up

I keep asking why.

And I can't take it

It wasn't fake

It happened, you passed by

Now you're gone

Now you're gone

There you go

There you go

Somewhere I can't bring you back

Somewhere you're not coming back

Our Story

Andrews Souza,
One of the few people that means the absolute world to me, and one that I love more than anything in the world. You are leaving me in three days and I honestly don't know how I am going to manage without you. So I have decided to tell our story, the story of how we became such amazing best friends. It is a friendship unlike any other that I will never forget. I remember seeing Andrews for the first time at a show at Boom Va, oh the good ol Boom Va Days. I don't believe that he saw me, but I saw him. We met for the first time one night when I decided to meet up with our mutual friend Connor. They were shooting off fireworks and we ended up getting run down by the cops, it was hilarious. The cops stole all of our fireworks but we managed to hide a couple. We all jumped in my car and as we were driving down the street we lit them out the window and took off before the cop could find us again, what a good night.

After that night, we became friends on Myspace and we talked here and there..always saying we need to hang out but it didn't necessarily happen. We would ALWAYS randomly run into eachother at different places and we would be so excited to see eachother. I moved to California for awhile, and when I came back I went to Denny's with all of our North Ogden Crew. We ran into eachother again finally and we both had the biggest smiles on our faces. We gave eachother a hug and I swear neither of us wanted to let go. That is when our friendship REALLY began. We talked everyday, we hung out so much and would chill and watch really great movies . I'm not quite sure how our friendship set fire, but it did. I'm so happy that it did.

We became so close, we tell eachother mostly every little thing. One of our favorite things to do is go on adventures and explore new things. I remember going up to Oaklawn park countless times, going to the indian schools, the ddo, roaming Brigham City, going up by the North Ogden Divide looking out over the city, etc etc... I wish I could go over every little adventure we have had but we both know that that would take ages. I will never forget any moment we have spent together. We also never really had to even go out to have some fun. We could just sit and talk forever, sit in on a saturday night and just watch a movie.. which would still be the time of our lives. There is one day that I do want to mention, which is probably the best day that I have ever had in my life. It was so perfect.

One day right after work we decide to meet up. We want to go down to the south towne mall all the way in Sandy to do some shopping. Us shopping together, is not good. We knew we had style and we had money, the money does not last long when we go shopping haha. What an amazing shopping experience that was. We then decide we want to go to downtown Salt Lake just to explore the city. Andrews and I were starving and I thought of Noodles & Company. We shared their Wisconsin Mac & Cheese, and it was to die for. We were both in heaven and couldn't believe how perfect everything was. Even the coke was perfect. So we decide to continue our exploring, we walked around the LDS conference center where they have a little waterfall running down the building and it was so refreshing. Then Andrews says, "Lets go to a park, I want to just walk around but I want there to be trees and I want to hear a river runnin in the background, sorta like the waterfall." I thought, I have no idea how i'm going to find a park like that in Salt Lake but we can try. I then remembered there was a park by Capitol Hill, but I couldn't remember what it was like. The park was exactly what we had both wanted it to be, it was absolutely amazing. There were trees, there was a river running, there were unique little monuments, and a path leading up into the woods. We walked around in the park, and walked up the trails.. we sat and talked for hours. We finally got tired and decided to drive home, and we reminisced about how amazing everything had been. My very perfect night, with my very favorite person. I'll never forget it.

I love how comfortable I am with Andrews and how I can completely act myself around him. I'm the biggest nerd. Every single one of our friends, even family members, have thought that there has always been something going on with us or thought there has been at least some history...Nope. It has always been strictly friendship with us. We laugh because people think that a boy and a girl simply can not be just friends, well.. we are living proof. We act as if we could be a couple because we love eachother and care about eachother so much, but we are just so comfortable.. it's never been more. I love when me and him can just cuddle and watch movies, and I absolutely love when we fall asleep. It's comforting. We have a blast at concerts, getting up on stage with The Game TWICE was amazing. We saw T.I. together which was sooo sick. Seeing Big Boi with Andrews last week was another really great moment. Arms around eachother, dancing and singing along to the music. Another thing that I love, we never ever fight. Except that one time.....But I don't even want to remember that moment. Our friendship is stronger because we got through that moment, never again. Best friends until the day we die, cheesy I know...but it's the truth. I'll always love the kid.

He is moving away to St. Louis with his family on Monday because his father has a job out there. I will simply be a mess when he is gone, I will miss him so much. But this is definitely not goodbye, never. I will be visiting frequently. 

So there it is, a small amount about an amazing friendship that has shaped my life so much and brought me so much joy. I just had to tell about my best friend because he is so important to me and he always will be. Nobody can come between us. I love us, and I love our friendship.

Tell Me I Am Worth It.

I'm so sick of never being good enough. They always say, "You can do sooo much better than that." or "He isn't worth your time." Well, maybe you should think that I can't. All I ever wanted was for someone to actually be afraid of losing me, to actually say "I love you", to say I don't know what I would do without you and I will always be there for you...and actually mean it. I am a loyal lover, a loyal friend... yet I keep getting screwed over every which way possible. I don't get it. I just want to feel loved and needed. But is this karma? There has been boys who have liked me and were nice, but I simply wasn't interested. I wanted more than anything to have feelings for them, but I just can't force myself ya know? It simply is not fair. Often, it's the most deserving person who can not help love those who destroy them. One day.....

Keep Gates Closed at All Times..

I believe in amazing love songs, cry at the sappiest ending in films, write about relationships as a creative outlet. These signs point to 'romantic', so why then, do I not let myself believe and fall all the way in? I don't like commitment; I get scared of giving someone parts of me that they could break. I don't like admitting to feelings, even though I have a lot of them. So while I'm smiling at the fact that this could be left open ended, I am telling myself that there's no way we'll maintain this flirtation for long. I am an optimist for life but a terrible cynic for love.

Finally

Finally, I have decided to start my own blog after admiring everyone elses. I wanted something to jot down all of my thoughts, activities, likes, dislikes, etc. etc... I enjoy reading about others lives and hearing their thoughts or ideas.. it makes me feel like we are somehow connected or I better understand them, ya know?  Sometimes it helps me through my own situations and what not. I can't wait..and this is only the beginning.